Amir approached the temple with trepidation. The last time he has come before the elders, Kia had been beside him, silently lending courage. Now she was gone, like the rest of them.
The jungle felt oppressive around him. All his life that humid greenery had been a comfort, shielding him from the terror, providing food and shelter, and a sanctuary to escape to when the elders had turned on the people. But today it felt like it was watching him, with animosity and challenge radiating from its dark undergrowth. Maybe it knew what was coming, and it sought to cow him, dissuade him from his resolve. But it was just trees, and he knew better.
His feet dragged over each step, raising dust on stone that rarely saw traffic. It wasn’t often that one of the people sought conference with the elders, and of course the elders themselves lived solely within the temple, no need for sustenance or other trappings of the living. As he reached the top, he paused for a moment, turning to look one last time at what had been his home, but soon would be gone. He hardly noticed the faint tremble beneath his feet. He wondered briefly if Astor had paused here too, but of course that had been months ago, and he had still had hope that Amir might succeed where he had failed. Amir had no such hope – he was the last. If the elders did not agree with his service, that he had fulfilled their contract, then the terror would take him too. Of course, the alternative wasn’t much better, but survival was a strong motivator, even after all this time alone.
Thinking about those last few months steadied Amir’s resolve, and he turned back to the entrance, thin brown shoulders set against the fear playing inside him. He marched from sunlight to darkness, eyes blinded, but there were no obstacles in the long wide corridor ahead. His sight returned as he paced along, but he continued walking past the horrors on the walls. His courage was fragile enough; he didn’t need to see what failure looked like. He wanted the memories of his friends to remain clean, untouched by their gruesome deaths.
Ignoring further trembles shaking dust from the walls, he pushed through the doors into the elder’s chamber, coming to a halt in the centre of the smaller room. The elders reclined in their thrones, as they had done for centuries, their yellow suits still bright in contrast to the mummified remains inside, and the crumbling walls surrounding them.
Taking a breath to steady his nerves, Amir spoke to the corpses. “I’ve completed my duty! I ask you to release me from this prison!”
Nothing stirred. He ignored the trembling in his hands, trying not to remember how that same silence had greeted him last time he had petitioned on Kia’s behalf. It hadn’t worked them, and if he had looked, he would have found her in the corridor as well, among the rest of them. He had believed that she might have been the first to pass their impossible standards – why else would he have petitioned for her! But her service had not been enough, and she had been sacrificed to the terror as all before her. If he was judged to have failed too, the jungle would be sacrificed along with him, as its last caretaker, but he could take no more. He had given it months after Astor had left, months more than he thought he had in him, and now he could only hope it was enough.
“Release me! I cannot bleed for the jungle any longer. It will have to be enough; either the jungle is ready, or it too will be lost to the terror – you cannot bleed me any longer.”
The silence stretched out, the elders’ empty gaze still. It wasn’t working. Surely, surely, he had served long enough. There was nothing they could gain from withholding from his now. If they didn’t take the jungle as it was, and they sacrificed him to the terror, there would be no one left to tend it and defend it, and the terror would have that to.
His heart rate started to pick up, and as it did, it occurred to him that maybe the elders couldn’t help him after all. He had never seen them sacrifice the others to the terror, only seeing the evidence of it afterwards, hanging in the corridor for the rest of them to see when they came to plead their case. Maybe the terror just took what it wanted, and the elders truly were as silent as they seemed. But no; occasionally one of the people had been taken, and not returned to the corridor. Surely that was a sign that their serviced had pleased the elders. Amir had been sure, after Astor had failed and he had been left alone, that if he just tried hard enough he would be taken. But then days had turned into weeks, then into months, and then he could wait no longer.
He was breathing harder now. “Please elders, hear me!” He wondered now if anyone was listening. “I have done as was foretold, the jungle is ready!” He stared up at them, starting forward slowly, continuing his plea. “If you won’t save me from the terror, at least take the jungle. We have given everything to make it worthy!”
In his increasing fear, the elders seemed to be grinning down at him, laughing at his pitiful efforts to appease them. It suddenly occurred to him that maybe there were other jungles, to compete against his, and they didn’t need the jungle after all. Maybe they had chosen another years ago, not long after he had first been sent here with the others, and as the terror slowly ate into their numbers, they had been forgotten, until it was only him. Maybe the elders had long departed, and he was truly alone, only him, the jungle, and the terror, with only the dead to laugh at him.
All was lost. He couldn’t go back now. The tremble in his hands was now felt throughout his body. Or was that coming from the ground? He froze, finally paying attention to his fragile mental state. No, he was steady before his inevitable doom – he had known what was coming – so that trembling must be coming from the temple itself. Now that he was paying attention, he heard a deep grumble coming from the centre of the ground itself. He turned and ran back through the doors, along the corridor, and burst out into the sun.
Except there was no sun.
He stared upwards, and realised that that wasn’t strictly true. The entire sky now contained points of light, and off to his left there was a faint glow coming from below the horizon. Looking closer straight up, getting excited, he realised there was a lattice of metalwork covering the sky entirely, and he realised there must be glass in between each panel.
He had done it!
But he was still here, and that confused him. They had taken the jungle, but he was still here. So did that mean he was to remain as caretaker? He couldn’t do it alone. He wouldn’t! Those last few months had been hell after Astor had been sacrificed. Surely he had appeased the elders, if the jungle had been taken?
Suddenly he found himself standing in a sterile white room. The same white room he had come from before the jungle.
But they had promised. Tend the jungle, and you will be released. They had promised! He had done his service!
He fell to his knees unseeing, tears already tracking down his face. He had done his service. He had given them the jungle. They had taken everyone from him. He had done his service.
“The prisoner will stand for sentencing.”
Suddenly he remembered what came next.
“The prisoner will stand.”
He couldn’t do it again.
“The prisoner will stand.”
He couldn’t take another life of this.
“Sentence remains. For each life taken, a life in service.”
He hung his head, remaining on his knees.
“Forty lives of servitude, given in the name of the elders. Eight lives remain. The prisoner will be remade, to tend the desert.”
A light flashed, and the cycle started again.
Wow, this is really good, like I would honestly keep reading this as a book.
ReplyDeleteThoughts on the fly:
The first sentence, with trepidation, felt the weakest to me, as it's telling what his emotions are rather than showing (maybe with a cold sweat? I don't know). At the same time, it works really well to set the scene, and the next few paragraphs were so good that it didn't bother me.
For some reason I couldn't make sense of why his sight returned to him, until I went back through it. Originally I scanned the same sentence again, but couldn't figure it out. Not sure why, but there might be something to the way it's described, maybe the blindness came and went too quickly or something.
I think "He wondered now if anyone was listening" might not be necessary, since it was just established in the last part, and sort of breaks the flow.
"It suddenly occurred to him that maybe there were other jungles, to compete against his, and they didn’t need the jungle after all. Maybe they had chosen another years ago" I think I've seen advice to not use suddenly, though I do all the time. It did sort of stand out here, as sudden convenient knowledge which he shouldn't have (there's a term for it which I can't remember), but at the same time, it still absolutely works. It could possibly be that it begun to occur to him? But that's more words.
"Suddenly he found himself standing in a sterile white room" <- it feels odd that he knows it's sterile, even from past experience. It seems like there should be a slightly more detailed transition and moment of realization. But it still works as is.
"Suddenly he remembered what came next." By this point, suddenly was becoming a bit stretched.
"“Sentence remains. For each life taken, a life in service.”" This was a really awesome twist. Though, it's not clear if he remembers each life, why he didn't know what was coming, etc.
Overall, very very good. The only glaring weakness was probably the increasing use of suddenly.